Some days it's not so bad. Waiting is natural. It's also a very special time with my boy - we'll never be this close again. I do want to treasure these moments.
It's also entirely possible that our dates are very much off kilter by several weeks. But if that's so, then he's always been ahead of the curve on growth and development as they say early Ultrasounds are very accurate.
Who knows - it's all still such a mystery. One of the most basic parts of human life is also the most complicated.
So the natural childbirth thing becomes funny. Not ha ha, but strange. I feel myself shifting a bit - sometimes with fearful questions, other times with just plain frustration. There are moments I imagine the white coats offering me a mask, saying, "Darling, go to sleep and when you wake, you'll have your sweet baby! Doesn't that sound delightful?" And it does!
And also absolutely horrific. I feel so weak that I could drop my values because I'm a little uncomfortable. Wait until labor starts - then I'll really get to learn discomfort!
So today was both terrible and just fine. I don't know what changed - maybe having a nice dinner, maybe laughing about doing jumping jacks and hearing the funny things my step dad said. I don't know - there was this awful tension and then it just wasn't there anymore.
I can't take any credit for it, but I'll give some to Ray, Mom and Jeff. Ray said, "no matter what, I'll be there with you."
Mom said, "Yes, I miss home, but I'm staying because this is more important."
Jeff said things that credited and encouraged my ability to trust myself. He has a such a rough persona but he understands the miracles of life and respects nature more than most anyone I have ever met.
I'm so glad I have the support I have. I really am a very lucky person. Which is so much better than I felt about 5 hours ago. I will also credit "Breakfast at Tiffany's" Buster Keaton and Angel, Season 1 for their roles as happy distractions.
Thank you, Academy.