I think I'm just pregnant. That's it. It's being pregnant that causes these things.
I thought through the conversation yesterday and realized, she never said she thought I had CHF. She said she's missed things like that before, ie sent a patient to a cardio for one thing that proved to not be a big deal, but was concerned about said patient's early stage CHF.
All she was saying was she wanted to make sure I was okay. And I turned it into I might never be able to have another baby.
The way I came to this realization was, strangely enough, the Internet. I looked up symptoms of CHF and anemia and I don't have very many of them. Well, I might be anaemic but that's not really a big deal. My mom and sister were and they came through just fine.
Isn't it amazing how the brain works? I know I've always had a bit of the catastophist in me. It may be a Gothic Romantic that imagines my own death. Baby born, I gaze at him once, then quietly expire of exhaustion, like in one of those old westerns. Sweaty brow, eyes closed like I'm finally getting the best sleep in the world, the doctor's quiet head shake, like there is nothing to be done.
I laugh at it now, but you know when you see that scene in the movie, you are torn up. What will daddy do without the mama to raise his little baby? And they had such a fabulous love with much hardship before coming together and bringing this sweet child into the world... So many permutations of tragedy.
Do we have a human need to create tragedy in our lives? Is this a human condition or just my own mental illness? If it is just my own, am I too bored? Should I be more absorbed in creative activities or helping others so that I don't get bogged down in unnecessary drama? Somehow, this makes me think of soap operas. I don't watch soaps (we don't have regular tv) but I am reading a pile of trashy novels. Maybe that's bringing about this case of mental catastrophy. I guess that means it's time to pick up "Getting a Grip" by Francis Moore Lappe and see what she's got to say about Democracy in America. That ought to shake out the drama!
Oh, considering the news today, maybe not. Impeach Cheney? What good will it do?
2 comments:
I think we do have an innate need to create drama. Maybe not everyone goes in for the Victorian Gothic thing, as you seem to, but when all else fails, I can summon drama over just running late to take our son to his ride on Thomas the Tank Engine.
It's a gift.
I would suggest some lighter reading fare, however. Literary Sturm und Drang tends to bleed over into the consciousness. At the height of the Romantic movement, melodrama was king at the box office and Europe was wracked by revolution.
If you enjoy mysteries and like period fiction, try the Brother Cadfael series by Ellis Peters (aka Edith Pargeter). The detective is a 12th century Benedictine monk and the writer was a professor of Medieval history or lit or something, so it's all very authentic-sounding, yet entertaining on the level of a mystery too. The first one in the series is "A Morbid Taste for Bones."
If that doesn't work for you, I have other suggestions.
Later! Tj
There's a strange phenomenon in late pregnancy that produces horrific dreams, wild mood swings, budding catastrophists (is that a word? I hope so, I love it!) and so on.
I like the idea of changing your reading. Maybe something quick, like a detective novel -- the VI Warshawski stories are great, well-written and the hero is a girl. Or nonfiction -- I'm nearly finished with Animal Vegetable Miracle, and it's funny and wise and inspiring, plus it has great recipes.
Hang in there, baby!
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