If I didn't work, I could...

I used to say, Oh I wish I didn't have to work. I would always find something to do!

- Read more
- study the things I want to learn
- do art
- have fun creating a lovely and comfortable home

But I'm not working and money is tight and hubby is trying to not pressure me because of the times I supported him on my tiny Starbucks income when he was inbetween jobs...

So now I...

- avoid drinking
- think about how I don't have any money or connects for drugs
- feel guilty about wanting to do drugs
- talk about my petty issues like they're so important
- feel small and useless and very uncreative

I'm not doing drugs, and it's strange to me to feel a return to the want. If it's possible, I feel the want actually separated from really wanting. I just think I'd like to be high to pass the time, but remembering how utterly destroyed I feel afterwards makes it quite unappealing. There are certain things I would do, but they are too hard to get and nothing seems worth the risk anymore.

Is it risky to write and publish this? Not as risky as idiots who post themselves smoking crack on youtube. Yes, smoking crack. They even put "crack" as a tag so you can search and find them.

wow. the magic of the interweb!