raygun rane speaks out

A new year, a new blog.

2012-01-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

Please join me over at my new blog The Relentless Unfolding. I will be sharing a frame a day of my family, life, whatever strikes my fancy, and occasionally a word or two or sometimes more. I have been known to be quite verbose, but am looking forward to speaking with images. Please come along with me!

Much love, Rane

mmm, fiber!

2011-01-06T06:25:00.000-08:00

I've never seen anyone be more interested in the peel than the banana. I guess I better bananas to my organic list!

Breakfast at the Lederer's

2011-01-04T14:24:00.000-08:00

My friend makes the most delicious and beautiful breads from her Swedish recipes. This one was thyme bread. For breakfast, I enjoyed it with butter and coffee in my new coffee cup. For lunch, it perfectly sopped up my mushroom soup and for my afternoon snack, it was great with blueberry vanilla chevre.

The coffee cup is my special way, along with a french press, to make decaf more appealing to me. It's taken a few days, but I think it might work. I'm so sneaky to myself!

Banana Nutella Muffins

2010-05-04T10:33:00.001-07:00

This recipe is a variation of my "go-to" muffin recipe. I combine the dry ingredients along with between 2 - 2.5 cups of wet ingredients (fruit, mayo, applesauce, juice), then bake at 375 for 20 - 25 minutes, the more wet the batter, the longer you'll bake it.

1.5 cups all purpose flour
1 cup sugar
1 t. baking soda
1 t. salt

3 medium ripe bananas, mashed (or ~ 2 cups pureed fruit of choice)
1/2 c mayo (not light or fat free)
Nutella

Preheat oven to 375. Line muffin pan with paper cups or grease pan.

In a large bowl, combine dry ingredients.

In another bowl, combine bananas and mayo. Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened.

With a spoon, drop about a half inch of batter into the cups. Add 1/2 teaspoon of nutella. Top with more batter until cups are 3/4 full. If you like, top with another 1/2 teaspoon of Nutella.

Bake at 375 for 20 - 25 minutes, until toothpick comes out clean.

Cool in pan for 5 minutes before removing to wire rack. Attempt to wait to eat them for at least 3 - 4 minutes. Nutella is really hot and a burnt mouth makes it hard to taste the other 11 muffins you wolf down before the kids find out what that smell means.

Makes 12 muffins.

In review: September. Michelle is back from Iraq!

2009-11-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

September saw the return of our sister, Michelle, from Iraq. She is currently stationed at Fort Hood and yes, she's ok. Here's most of us girls. Tracy, Karen, me, and Michelle. We look alike, don't we? Linda avoids the flashes because she's too big a star. ;->

Our resident reticent teenager even allowed me to photograph him. A rare smile. I am honored.

Kendrick drank and passed out texting in the backseat. If I were really mean, I would have finished his text for him!

In review: August

2009-11-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

I just realized I have photos on my camera since July, which means I haven't sent any photos to Grandma. I'm a bad daughter. I must make amends.

So here goes. In August, we went to Jacksonville for my niece's graduation from her Naval training. Her class is the last to officially receive wings. She asked my dad, an old Navy pilot from back in the day, to pin on her wings. He was choked up with the honor. It was very sweet. He didn't even make her bleed at all!

A bunch of us showed up to support her! Everyone else gets to smile, while I wrangle the toddler.

Here's Tonya in the cockpit of the P3 she works in. This is supposedly all Top Secret and stuff, but everyone was taking photos, so I did, too. Tonya is a lovely goof, isn't she?

At the Museum of Flight

2009-07-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

D_ and her son, R_, went to the Museum of Flight in Tacoma. Jack loves planes so I thought he'd love the museum. There were tons of wonderful planes including the F8F9 and the Aerocar.

Grandpa flew this plane - the F8F9. Neat!

This is the super fun 1956 Aerocar Model One. I think this was Jack's favorite by far. It's a car and a plane! My two favorite things! WOW!

There's a whole kids section with real airplanes and even a helicopter that are really small. Check it out!

Jack! In! Space!

Moms and Tots at the Seattle Aquarium

2009-07-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit biased but I love that Jack loves marine life. He will happily watch almost 30 minutes of Blue Planet and point and cheer. He still doesn't really call me "mommy" but he knows the difference between an Orca and a Humpback whale. I can't help but feeling proud.

While in Seattle, we went to the beautiful aquarium. Sadly, my camera skills aren't the best so please forgive me. Since I think my son is too cute, I can't resist.

Jack really liked the Octopus. She was particularly active, moving about, flashing her colors getting all BIG and scary.

Ivy pauses a moment to have her picture taken.

An Orca skull. Those teeth are as thick as my forefinger.

A sea otter surfaces for a moment.

The funny thing I'm noticing as I look back through all my shots of the whole trip is that rarely did I take any photos of my friends. It's all kids, animals, and kids. Sorry friends!

Belly at 17 weeks

2009-07-19T19:01:00.001-07:00

By popular demand, I am providing a belly shot. But not your normal belly shot. This is my POV. My belly is lopsided.

This is Jack sitting on my belly reading a book. See how crazy lopsided it is?

This is the view above the book. I put these shooting range earmuffs on him when I vacuum. He seems to like them a lot and goes into his room singing to himself and reading while I vacuum. It's a good thing.

Back to the book. Nothing keeps him for long when "The Happy Man and his Dump Truck" is open!

Catching up...

2009-07-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hi there. It's been a while, how ya been?

Due to some level of guilt and the sweet, gently nagging voice of friends (ahem! you know who you are!) I am finally posting some pictures from our recent trip to Whistler, B.C. and the Seattle area. I called my "Great Tour of All Things I Didn't Do When I Lived Here" and it was incredibly successful!

In Whistler, my friend Greg and I did a ZipTrek Ecotour. 5 zip lines that get steeper and longer with 1 over 20 stories high and something like 2000' long. That was totally kickass and even more fun than it sounds. Greg and I were mostly speechless and grinning the rest of the day, but we did admit our next fantasy job was being a ZipTrek guide.

Please note the rakish angle of my helmet. I meant to do that. Sure.

There was something so ominous and strange about the steps to nowhere.

I even made a video of one of my zips. Super fun! I'm having troubles with uploading to blogger but the Youtube link seems to work. Pardon my colors - I don't know how to color correct video.

More to come later from B.C., the Museum of Flight, the Seattle Aquarium, the Woodland Park Zoo and much much more!

Monumental Playground Day

2009-03-05T09:18:00.001-08:00

Today Jack did all sorts of things he's never done before. At the playground, he walked forwards up and down a bunch of stairs and learned to use the handrail. He slid down the slide all by himself, as in without my prompting or being at the bottom to cheer him on. He walked all around the playground, even though it was covered in snow and, since we usually end up doing a second set at the swing, he headed over there holding my hand for a little balance because of the snow. When he was done, he stopped smiling and held his arms up for me to stop the swing and pick him up. When I got him out, he walked over to the stroller and started to climb in.

Time to go!

I'd never seen such absolutely clear communication from him that didn't involve crying or throwing himself to the ground or throwing anything. It was amazing.

too bad I didn't have my camera...

Jack fell down...

2009-03-04T12:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry, Grandmama Donna! I'll stitch it together with embroidery floss when I find it. Then he will have... Frankencrown!

and it will still be cute.

New Friends

2009-03-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

So, I have a new friend-to-be-I-hope who is totally fabulous, smart and fun. (hi D!) Today we hung out at a big mall in Virginia. They had a fabulous play area for the tots and Mr. Knick Knack was singing his heart out and reading stories. The guy playing conga and tambourine kinda looked sweet and let the kids play with him. The 3 year old was about as good as the big nice guy in the funny sweater.

Jack and his new friend were playing nicely until Jack pushed little Z off a bee. Then he didn't want to be with Jack so much anymore. Poor little guy. Ok, not so little. Isn't he absolutely edible?

Jack is walking a lot - all of a sudden, he just started walking on his own. Of course, I think he's the most brilliant little boy in the whole world. Except when he tosses kids off bees. Then I think, not the best display of an attempt to interact with the world around him, but it's a sure sign he's trying! D was very forgiving. Nice D. I hope Not-so-wee Z gets Jack back!

I want this chair.

2009-03-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

A strange thing happened at Z Gallerie. The store at this mall is closing and I want this chair:

But I can't buy it so I bought a jenga type game that stacks bones instead of rectangles with a skull on top. Cool.

Anyway, while I'm checking out I ask the cashier about the chair, delivery, et cetera - you know, living the fantasy of buying the chair. As she tells me the store is closing, I'm overcome with this wave of fear, frustration and pain. My arms flushed and I felt sick to my stomach. The closing date is less than 2 weeks away. I ask her, "Do you know what you are going to do?" And she says there's one thing. Then tells me some very personal information about why she needs medical coverage. No details about her condition, but that her medication is very expensive. Now I know where those feelings came from.

I want to tell her, I'm scared, too. There's no way I can buy that chair. This is a scary time right now for a lot of people.

Instead, I say, good luck! with enthusiasm and, I hope, some understanding and turn to walk away. But I get this other feeling. It's so warm and sweet and I surrender to it fully. I turned around, reached for her hand, looked into her eyes and said, I really feel that you are going to be okay. Better than you expect even.

In general, I'm not one to feel especially cheerful and currently I fight the same frustration, fear and anxiety I felt pouring from this woman. But I'm curious now how she will hold that experience. I like to believe that when I have these feelings that they are accurate. And I really felt that she would be okay and, quite possibly, better than she could imagine.

Then I walked away. And barely made it to the restroom. I hope I did take some of her pain from her. I really hope her load is a little lighter tonight. But even if it's nothing to her, I learned something about the depth of my own emotions and how unchecked they can affect others.

And you know, I still want this chair.

Hello, Old Friend...

2009-01-26T13:23:00.000-08:00

Hello there. It's been a while... How are you, friend?

Well I guess someone listened to my request. Dear Husband was offered a great job on the other side of the country and we moved over the holidays. And yes, moving sucks. I hate it! Just organizing for the move is a nightmare. Sing along, you know the words! This is the move that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends.

Living in the land of boxes for months, perhaps years, just gets me down, man. Really down. And the slightest set back can make it much worse. I swore that this would be the move where we could fully unpack. The day after we put the books on the bookshelves, the pipes burst in the unit two doors up, destroying that house and leaking through the unit next door and into our basement. I met my neighbors by begging for their help to bring everything up from the basement. Now I have a living room full of boxes where there was nearly only a couch, table and chair. It was nice... for a minute.

I know, I know. You hate that Eeyore tone. I know. I think it's the weather. And the boxes. Oh and Jack isn't sleeping so well and so neither am I.

Well, tomorrow's another day, right? Take care of yourself.

Yes, I will get some sleep soon. Thanks, love.

Bye

Weird dreams...

2008-10-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

I was just starting a new job at Microsoft and the whole day was spent trying to figure out what I actually do. There were so many people - it was crowded down there and felt more like an underground mall than a workplace. There was a clothing store full of men's and women's suits, blouses, nylons and pumps in black, gray, brown and a lot of people shopping, pushing past each other all wearing the clothes I saw for sale. Do they ever leave?

There were movie theatres and concert halls and somewhat of a party vibe going on, like, "isn't it great that we practically live here?!"

It kinda freaked me out. It was such an artificial atmosphere and I couldn't believe everyone was buying it.

********************

In real life, my mother has been ill recently and was hospitalized. Living far away from her has been stressful because I fear her dying suddenly. In this dream, she came to visit me.

"What are you doing here," I asked her.

"I just came to give you a hug." And she embraced me.

Somehow this was really disturbing and I woke wondering if that was her spirit coming to say goodbye. I've had psychic dreams before about things happening to my family. It was 3 am and I had to hold myself back from calling her at that moment to make sure she was okay.

I talked to her later, and she's fine. She said she was probably cold and likes my hugs so maybe she came to hug me to get warm!

Job Search

2008-10-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

The dear Husband is working hard - phone calls to supportive friends with information about this or that company, recommendations from others, web research on companies hiring for his particular skill set and getting details on who pays more where, and creating new works to target companies he would like to work for.

It's like killing a moose with salt peter.

"more fantasy, more sci-fi, not enough zombies" - I guess being a diverse artist is more of a problem than one would imagine. I mean, who knew being able to draw a sexy pin-up model with the same skill as a tank or Beast of Another Dimension would be a drawback?

Having him at home is a mixed blessing, too. He's helpful with Jack, taking him for walks in the morning, playing with him during the day, helping change diapers or taking over if I need a break.

But all that takes away from his job search. Jack is often very loud, which makes it hard for Ray to concentrate on new paintings. So I have to devise free things to do for hours on end in between Jack's erratic nap times to get out of the house. It's easier when the weather's decent but when it's cold and rainy out, I just wish we had a working fireplace and a nanny so I could read in bed all day.

So, someone - please hire my husband. He's experienced, talented, works smart and gets along with just about everybody. Yes, I'm a little biased, but just look at his work and when you get your socks back on, call or email him. You'll be glad you did. And so will I.

Halloween Mourning...

2008-10-25T00:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't finished my altar. The pictures aren't hung, I can't even find marigolds anywhere or any of my favorite special things for honoring this very special time. I keep meaning to paint the jizos and tweak this or that and just don't.

I miss my crafty self. Will she come back? Can't I just have a eensy bit of Martha?

I no heart hackers.

2008-10-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

thank you, hacker butt head. Thank you for hijacking a friend's msn messenger account and sending a link that ruined our hard drive, making inaccessible all of our photos for the past 4 - 5 years of our life, quite a lot of my husband's work and much more. Thanks for just being a real jerk. Too bad I am not as nasty as you, that I can't find you and string you up for a halloween decoration like I feel you deserve.

But I will let the universe deal with you, twit. You'll wonder why all the chicks you try to date never answer your call, or the ones you do will give you STDs. Yeah, buddy. Have fun out there. If you think the world's kicking you in the balls, that's because you've taped a sign on your own back that says "kick me!"

Hackers = Wankers

A pox on all your parent's basement, since you'll be there for a while.

A night away...

2008-10-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

I had planned a super secret special surprise for my honey's birthday. You see, all he said he wanted was a good night's sleep. So, I booked a babysitter (Awesomest Fairy Godmommy Tamara!) and found a great deal on an apartment for the night through a friend's corporate housing company.

I planned a dinner and breakfast and pre-prepped what I could while he was at work. I packed a bag with all the essentials including candles, sparkling french wine and strawberries, bought flowers, and hid everything in the garages. I planned my beard (dinner with friends at our house and a last minute craigslist purchase/pick up that he had to come with. Don't worry - the baby's okay with Tamara for a few minutes.

The idea was that I would drive to the place, knock on the door a few times, then pull out the key and open it to rose petals, mood lighting and soft music. "Surprise! Here's your good night's sleep! Of course, you'll have to work for it..." *seductive grin*

But when Honey bunny got laid off Friday, he started to spin wildly saying, I don't want to go out or have fun. I've got too much stuff to think about.

Uh oh.

So I spilled the beans.

And you know what? He was so happy and surprised and excited... He kept telling me how he was looking forward to it all day. It seemed to make him more relaxed about facing a job search. And today, after an evening of fun and a good night's rest, Honey Bunny emerged refreshed and excited with a focused plan and renewed resolve.

Unfortunately, it means we'll probably have to lose the cable TV. Clean House! What will I do without you!

the best laid plans...

2008-10-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ray got laid off today. No warning - well, a little, but he was getting the sideways talks from the owner saying, good thing you're going to this other team. That's the place to be. Basically, he lied to give Ray a false feeling of security during an awkward time.

Then today they are told to clean out their desks.

Part of me wants to call the owner and say, why Ray? You know we have a baby - you gave us the freakin' crib! Well, at least if we lose our home, we can turn the crib over, put a tarp on it and call it home.

But then, I realized they are worse off than we are. C_ mortgaged his house to the hilt to personally finance one of the projects when the incoming money from investors trickled away. Now, he could lose everything including their brand new kitchen with a single piece of marble slap large enough for at least 4 autopsies at a time. And flawlessly white. Beautiful, just beautiful. I wonder what his wife will say. I wonder about their 4 kids and horses and chickens and fancy cars.

Enough about them. He screwed his own family as much as he's screwed mine and I'm angry.

Desprerate times...

2008-10-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

... call for desperate measures. And 2:45 am is decidedly a desperate time when the baby has us up every 1/2 hour to 1 1/2 hours and crying, crying anytime we put him in the crib. Finally I put on a jacket, grabbed my keys and the baby and said, we're going for a drive.

It's interesting to see what 24 hour drive thru's are actually open. McDonald's had lots of "24 hour DRIVE THRU signgs, but nobody was home. Not my first choice, but it was close and the fries aren't too dangerous. Starbucks wasn't likely to have the sandwiches I like and coffee was not what I needed. So Jack in the Box won out. By the way, the ice cream shakes are thick. Better hold out for a warm day on that one before you pop a blood vessel sucking so hard. Breakfast sandwich was pretty good, but not as good as Starbucks.

After all this searching, baby JackJack was still cooing, albeit quietly, in his seat while we cranked up KEXP friday night dance party. DaftPunk usually puts him right out but these were extenuating circumstances.

We finally hit the highway, and drove to Seattle. Might as well have a pretty drive while we are lulling our baby to sleep, right? And no, neither of us made the joke. One might have struck the other, or worse, turned up the electronic beat box louder.

An hour and half later, we were home. Baby transferred soundly asleep to crib and slept for at least another hour before waking us bemoaning his soul-deep loneliness and burning desire for our company.

C'est la vivre, eh? And through it all, I can still look at him, now smiling and discovering and boundless and love him. And you know, I didn't once imagine what he might taste like. A move up!

mom's night out...

2008-09-21T03:07:00.000-07:00

I'm visiting friends, the "village" I'd planned on raising my children with. It's been so much fun and sweet and really cool in that way that being around the people who know you best only can be. The friend I'm staying with has a daughter just 27 hours older than my son which is very special to both of us. In the past few days, we've nursed and soothed each other's babies in ways that makes me feel somewhat lonely in my life in the PNW.

This is the first night I've really gone out and not had to come home to a baby at all. The husband took all the kids to "Baby Island," a resort of sorts which is the home of another friend. The two husbands watched the 9 and 7 year old, a 19 month and 2 9 month old babies. They win awards in my book.

I've been tempted to call but I really don't want to .. I don't want to know that my son is freaking out or that he's really just fine without me. These husbands are so conscientious, I know they are taking great care of my son. But the image of Jack screaming and crying, holding his hand out to me as they drove away is haunting me. And I had to pump and throw away the breast milk - over 16 oz - to relieve myself and because I'd been drinking. It was so strange yet felt like the right thing. I only regret not putting it to some other use, if possible...

So now I go to an empty bed and I can't imagine sleeping on my own. No husband, no baby, so I post. Go to sleep already!!

Faerie Picnic!

2008-08-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

We went to a Faerie picnic today, but since it was on Faerie time and we were on baby time, not much happened before it was time to go.

We found a great little Greek restaurant where I could tie Tasha up outside with some water and there was a good sized child's play area. how cool! jack just went in and got to work chewing on legos and fake food.

When it came time to eat real food, he still treats the spoon like a nipple sometimes trying to suck the food out of it instead of opening his mouth. We have fabulous video of our friend, Rob, father of 2, trying to teach jack to open his mouth. It was very entrancing for jack, but not as educational as we hoped.

One step closer...

2008-07-19T18:51:00.001-07:00

Today, while talking to Brother Mike, I said, "No, he's not quite crawling yet. He pushes with his legs but hasn't coordinated it with being up on his arms so he just scoots around on his face," which is even funnier than it sounds and not as damaging as you'd think.

Then I went to the park for a while with the dogs leaving the wee one sleeping while the hubby got some much needed billable hours. At least, that was the hope. There must always be hope.

I returned, feeling refreshed and almost a little sunned out (which is a cherished feeling here in the grey PNW), and walked into the studio to discover I had spoken too soon. Lo and behold, there is my little boy, crawling toward me with a smile on his face!

It's so sweet and exciting and terrifying at the same time. Every step he makes is one step closer to stealing my keys. But it's also a step to his independence, his discovery of the world and himself in it. It's a step of hope. Yes, there must always be hope.

Mother's Day, Part 2

2008-06-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

I'll post my actual essay later, much edited and revised (Thanks, Amy! You are awesome!) but it's important to say how it went first.

I wrote another essay that was more specifically about my mother and what I feel are the most wonderful and lasting impacts of her mothering. Then I found out she had been admitted into hospital for severe anemia. In the hospital, she received 2 bags of blood and, the next day, a bag of iron which made her break out into an itchy bright red rash. When they gave her Benadryl, her body went into convulsive spasms.

When I heard that, I booked a flight. Later we learned from several different sources that the iron was most likely pushed too quickly. She's been to a few hematologists, and switched her GP and GI doctors to new people who looked deeply enough to discover her non-cancerous duodenal tumor.

At the date of publishing, all I know is that she has seen or talked to several surgeons who agree that she needs to have it removed ASAP, but won't do it. So it's a bit tricky. Mom feels relieved to have a diagnosis, but it's weird knowing there's this thing inside of her that doesn't belong, is hurting her and she has to be on a quest to find someone to take it all away.

So, while I gave my speech in church, my mother lay in hospital and all I wanted was to be there hugging her. I cried on my way to the church, I cried with my reverend before the service, and later when I read her my essay. She loved it, by the way.

sweet

2008-06-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

Jack is very sweet in the morning. He smiles and giggles and coos. It helps to make up for, no - magically erase the pain and suffering he caused during the night.

One morning in particular, we had been following our regular pattern of nurse, doze, nurse, doze. He had fallen back asleep so I brought him up to rest facing me on my pillow. I woke an hour or so later to him softly caressing my face. His palm was so soft and warm. I opened my eyes and could see his sparkling blue eyes, his father's eyes, just shining his love for me, just like his father's do.

In that moment, my love for my little family, my sweet son, my loving husband, welled up.

This is why I did this.

Mother's Day, part 1

2008-05-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

I'm excited to be a part of creating the Mother's Day service at our church. Sitting with these ladies discussing and sharing our motherhood humbles me again to my new life. I've wanted this for so long and to gaze at my little one or play or sing with him, I'm just so grateful.

We've been asked to each write a 3 - 4 minute essay on motherhood. Here is my first try:

Mothering is like holding a live wet fish. Just when you think you have it, it slips right out of your hands. I could extend this metaphor to make it a shape shifting fish that becomes a clown, a tiger, or a delicate vase. I never know from one moment to the next if I have the sweet "good" baby, the one that's quiet and smiles on cue, or the ferocious tiger that hits my boob as he's nursing, as if to control the flow somehow - one smack for faster, two for slow down. Sometimes he sleeps easily, sometimes he'll only sleep in my arms and the slightest movement (like me shifting to hold it in just one more minute) is enough for him to wake in an inconsolable rage.

He's only 4 months old and my world has quickly shifted down to a 16lb, 6 oz, 26" long piece of real estate that captivates, enchants, and torments me more than anything I could have ever prepared for. Before him, I thought I knew what love was. Now, loving my son makes me feel like I'm cut open, my insides available for all to see. I am so vulnerable, frightened and exhilarated. It's wilder than any mountain I've thrown myself off of, any trek I've undertaken, any bone I've broken or set. And it's 24/7/365 for the rest of my life. I'm so tired, I'm delirious. I'm so delirious, I love it.

4 months and growing

2008-05-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

How is it that when I get more sleep, I feel worse. Jack has spent the last month eating every 2 hours at night and nursing for 1/2 hour at the least. I've been fine - doing yoga, walking several miles with the dogs every day, and taking care of business at home (well, kinda.. The laundry gets done, for sure).

Then last night, something magical happens. He sleeps for 3 hours and nurses for 5 minutes and goes right back to sleep. This morning, I feel like I've been hit with truck. I had to check my bed for tire tracks.

There weren't any. So, how did this happen? Did a month of poor sleep crash in on me after 1 night of relatively better sleep? If this is what 3 hours feels like, give me back my 2 hour sprints! Yesterday, I was thinking of running a 5K. Today, I'm not sure I can walk a mile and wish I dog walker and a babysitter, so I could go back to sleep and not think about any of this.

3 months old...

2008-03-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

Jack has now seen 3 months outside the womb. I decided to celebrate with a little photo shoot inspired by the tutelage of a few wonderful photographers I know, Cedar Bough Saeji and Emily Weaver Brown.

Also, thanks to Dad and Joanne! We love you, Grampa and Nana!

Celebrating...

2008-03-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday we went over to Christen's house and Jack got to know a nice old fellow named Johnny Walker.

Can't you just hear him: What? I don't have a problem. (mumble mumble)

Later on, much later on, I should so, I got down with some Velvet Moon and a stack of wiggly eyes enticed me.

I'm not sure if it's right or wrong, but it sure felt good, so I might be going to hell.

It's all too much...

2008-03-19T13:40:00.001-07:00

to try to catch up. Jack is almost 3 months old now. It's true what They say, it goes so quickly. It seems only yesterday he could fit on the length of my forearm, now I can't lift him with one hand - he's over 15 lbs!

Some interesting milestones
12/24: held his head up. Just for a second, but it was his first day.

1/15: first smile, laughter soon to follow, though it sounds more like Beevis than a true giggle or laugh.

1/25: found his hands and hasn't stopped chewing on them since. I figure he's in training for his fraternity hazing or a high school party trick of sticking his whole fist in his mouth.

2/10: dad says he'll be a goofy foot on the skate/snowboard. He often lays there and kicks his left leg. He's already getting very vocal and growing out of his 0-3 month clothes.

3/16: found his left ear

3/17: found his toes and mimicked a friend directly by sticking his tongue out when she did! Very cute.

that's it for now, he's particularly hungry!

I've tried...

2007-12-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

I really have tried to post before this but recovery is slow and with family around it was even harder. Plus the tingling in my hands has gotten worse and typing is pretty difficult.

I can't get into the whole story now but short version is the non-stress tests showed baby Jack to be stressed. After many of the contractions (which I couldn't even feel) his heart rate would plummet, a sure sign of distress. They didn't even want to induce me because they weren't sure he'd make it through labor.

When your choices are c-section now with an epidural, have your husband with you and see your baby right away or crash c-section later under general anaesthesia, no husband present and maybe see your baby 4 or 5 hours later after the drugs wear off, it became really easy to ask for that epidural.

And look what I got! He's gorgeous...

All photos copyright Cedar Bough Photography. To see more of her amazing travel photography, go to her website.

Induced...

2007-12-23T14:11:00.000-08:00

After much thought and discussion, we've decided to go to the hospital to be induced. The Jack in my box seems to need a little help getting out and the midwives felt that even if I began labor spontaneously, they would have to monitor me closely and might likely end up transferring me to hospital anyway.

It sounds so calm when I write it, but I think I scared the hell out of my mom when I started screaming and crying. I really wanted some gloves and a heavy bag. I wanted to wail on something until everything was numb and I could collapse from exhaustion.

My poor dog got nervous, too. She really doesn't like to see me upset. But I know it'll be okay, because she laid down and put her head on my foot while I make this entry. And she's a magic dog. She knows the future.

If you want to visit, I'm at UW. Balloons are welcome, the brighter and goofier the better.

Routine freak out

2007-12-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

I'm 41 weeks today. This morning I went to have a non-stress test at my midwife's office. This is when they strap a monitor to my belly that measures the baby's heart rate over 20 minutes or so. They look for a spike in heart rate of around 15 bpm for 15 beats. They want to see two like this over the course of 20 minutes.

Well, she didn't. She thought it could be because the baby is sleeping, so we tried waking him up - drinking ice water, moving him around - but didn't really get a response.

So, she sent me to see the OB triage at the local hospital. The idea is they would monitor as well, to get their own set and see if there was any change and also to perform an ultrasound (biophysical) which would look at fetal movement, breathing, fluid, etc.

At the hospital, the OB looked at the charts that came with me and recommended induction. Then they hooked me up to the monitor, and I got several good spikes and even had some contractions, too. However, I had one deceleration down to 91 bpm right around a contraction (that I didn't really feel) and they immediately go for the red flag. She wanted to induce.

The US looked good, lots of movement, plenty of fluid, breathe movement, etc. But even with all of that, they wanted to induce within a few days. The L&D nurse seemed uncomfortable with me even leaving tonight even though the OB said we could wait a few days.

My feelings are that most everything was fine, but that one deceleration in over 2 hours of monitoring that could have been any random thing. Although I'd be open to the idea of a little assistance to get labor started, once I agree to induction, it's hard to leave the hospital and I'd like to avoid that road.

It's not just that I have a "plan" or that my heart is set on doing this one way. It's that I want what is really best for me and my baby. Is it better to give myself up to the whims of ultra-conservative "experts" who don't think twice about directed pushing, constant monitoring and c-section?

I've read the studies and I don't come to the same conclusions they do. I don't trust hospitals. When I'm there, I feel talked down to and am fed mixed messages. Today it was all about, "everything looks really good!" and then "we want to induce."

I don't get it and I'm not ready to give up everything until it becomes much more clear that a change needs to happen. That does not seem obvious to me at this point.

My midwives are on the same page. Tomorrow I will go in to my midwife's office for another non-stress test. We will try to stimulate some contractions and see how the baby responds. If we get good accelerations, we'll be happy. If we get decelerations, it's time to rethink our plans.

If I go into labor spontaneously, it's clear they will want to monitor me more closely than normal, but nobody's particularly nervous and neither am I. I'll only become alarmed if I have decrease in fetal movement, which right now, due to the belly quake going on, seems unlikely.

Other than that, I'm just really glad to be out of the hospital. While we were in the OB triage area, most of the time it was quiet and I was fine. But as other's started coming in, I started to get really antsy and just wanted to hit something.

We came home, took the dogs for a walk and now I think I'll punch a pillow and lay on my birth ball for a while watching Angel.

That's the news that's fit to type.

Nope, not yet.

2007-12-21T23:50:00.001-08:00

Some days it's not so bad. Waiting is natural. It's also a very special time with my boy - we'll never be this close again. I do want to treasure these moments.

It's also entirely possible that our dates are very much off kilter by several weeks. But if that's so, then he's always been ahead of the curve on growth and development as they say early Ultrasounds are very accurate.

Who knows - it's all still such a mystery. One of the most basic parts of human life is also the most complicated.

So the natural childbirth thing becomes funny. Not ha ha, but strange. I feel myself shifting a bit - sometimes with fearful questions, other times with just plain frustration. There are moments I imagine the white coats offering me a mask, saying, "Darling, go to sleep and when you wake, you'll have your sweet baby! Doesn't that sound delightful?" And it does!

And also absolutely horrific. I feel so weak that I could drop my values because I'm a little uncomfortable. Wait until labor starts - then I'll really get to learn discomfort!

So today was both terrible and just fine. I don't know what changed - maybe having a nice dinner, maybe laughing about doing jumping jacks and hearing the funny things my step dad said. I don't know - there was this awful tension and then it just wasn't there anymore.

I can't take any credit for it, but I'll give some to Ray, Mom and Jeff. Ray said, "no matter what, I'll be there with you."

Mom said, "Yes, I miss home, but I'm staying because this is more important."

Jeff said things that credited and encouraged my ability to trust myself. He has a such a rough persona but he understands the miracles of life and respects nature more than most anyone I have ever met.

I'm so glad I have the support I have. I really am a very lucky person. Which is so much better than I felt about 5 hours ago. I will also credit "Breakfast at Tiffany's" Buster Keaton and Angel, Season 1 for their roles as happy distractions.

Thank you, Academy.

Sleepless

2007-12-19T06:34:00.000-08:00

I miss my comfortable bed. There is a bed beneath me, but it somehow got switched while I was sleeping with some other bed not nearly so comfy.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with being so pregnant. Not at all.

I wake and feel restless, or hungry or have to pee or all three. I try to stay in bed as long as I can, try to get back to sleep or at least rest because horizontal is good for pregnancy. But after 1 hour of "resting" I get up for a snack and after another hour and listening to my self-hypnosis, I give up and catch up on all my podcasts I haven't heard the past week. 2 hours later, my comfortable bed still hasn't returned and now I'm utterly restless.

Even the peaceful buddhist talk can't put me to sleep.

So, welcome to 6:43 am PST, blogosphere.

40 weeks and 3 days, but who's counting?

2007-12-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those weird weather days - slightly warmer and raining in varying degrees of downpour. I felt so hot in my light down maternity coat and had it unzipped with a light cotton shirt on underneath that, I swear, covered my belly last week. Now my belly ring showed, which made quite a site as I bounced where ever I walked like I was singing a little Rick James to myself:

"This mama's lettin' it all hang out, cause she's a pregnant house..."

I have another entry for the "Some People" catalog...

In the grocery store, a woman asked when I am due.

"Last Saturday," I smiled.

"My daughter looked like you. She had a 12 1/2 pound baby."

Now, why in the hell would someone tell me that? I just said, "I don't want to hear that!" and walked away.

Wow.

In a spot

2007-12-15T08:52:00.000-08:00

Outside my window, a squirrel is hanging on to our bird feeder for dear life. He's eaten all he can but can't seem to find his way off the feeder. He wrestles around, repositions while the feeder swings to and fro, but for some reason he can't go back the way he came.

I want to help him but don't know how. If I go out there, will he just freak out, possibly fall and hurt himself? Do squirrels have heart attacks?

I want to help him because at least someone should be able to get on with their life and not be stuck on an empty swinging bird feeder.

I feel so big now and I think he's still growing. I have that totally pregnant walk with my hands on my back and waddling like a penguin. When I sit in a chair I have to have my legs out to the side because there is no room for baby on my lap. The pressure on my pubic bones is intense and his head hasn't even descended nearly enough yet.

I don't like this waiting... I was never one to leave the presents under the tree uncounted, unshaken, sometimes even unopened - the anticipation is too much!

today I spoke to a friend. "I just want something to happen!" I said.

"Something is happening. This is happening."

But, but... damn.

So, after a full day of dog park walking, Indian food eating and Christmas shopping (in Macy's, no less!), I have been sufficiently distracted and even a little soothed by the small contractions I've experienced. Yes, something is happening.

This is happening. And I feel less of a need to define what this is. It is now.

I think I'll take a bath.

Updates - Cardio and Psycho

2007-12-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

A friend reminded me that I need to update what happened with the cardiologist and the psychiatrist.

I did a stress echo test at the cardiologist's office. They hooked me up to 11 different leads to measure different parts of my heart, then did an ultrasound of my heart. What an amazing organ! Then they put me on a treadmill set to a speed way faster than my normal slow shuffle and increased speed and incline until I complained then they kept me there for a little longer to torture me into responding, I guess. Then I got another ultrasound to determine how my heart was reacting and good news! I'm just pregnant! I felt so relieved!!

I think that helped to alleviate my general anxiety a lot. Since then, I've felt like a normal person. I can respond emotionally to things without it being overwhelmingly frightening. Except for now that the pregnancy has progressed so far, I'm definitely feeling more emotional which is to be expected - it's just not any fun.

But it's okay. I'll manage. I have to.

Bees

2007-12-14T04:01:00.000-08:00

The past three nights I've dreamt that I lived in an abandoned natural history museum. When the curators left, many of the specimens were left behind, some stuffed and even a few live animals. New discoveries were constantly being made by the new inhabitants. There were quite a few of us in residence there, though it was hard to tell who lived there and who was just hanging around. It had the feeling of a squat, only a little cleaner and more interesting for the exhibits.

An interior room had a few pools and some interesting shore birds were picking their way through the sand for bugs and such. Interesting how we all just left the animals to their devices and didn't really tread too much on their space. Someone must have been feeding them, too. It was a happy place, really.

But tonight's discovery was strange - how could we have missed this huge bee hive? At least, they looked like bees or like some kind of strange bee-wasp hybrid. They were quite yellow without any of the fuzz that most bees have, black pointy wings like a wasp, but a larger round abdomen, without any stinger at all.

Let's be clear - I love bees. The more I learn about them, the more I respect them. Do you know they vote by consensus? I highly value their place in our ecosystem and love their product. I'm concerned about the high numbers of mysterious bee deaths that have been recently found to be some kind of virus that could potentially kill out all bees, leaving farmers to figure out how to artificially pollinate over 75% of our food. (That figure might be wrong, but it's not far off.)

But when I saw this huge hive on the floor of the pool room, I became very concerned. My roommates felt it was fine for them to be there, but I thought, bees don't live inside - they belong outside where they can eat and pollinate and do their business. Also, these were strange looking bees and yes, I was concerned for my safety and the safety of the my housemates and the friendly, random drunks who hung out there. I didn't want anyone hurt.

I gently persuaded them to entertain the concept that I call someone who could remove the bees to an appropriate place - maybe even we could put the colony into hive boxes and harvest the honey? They started to like the idea. Then we walked over to a cabinet and found several specimens of what may have been the same variety of bee. They were in display boxes and one of the people with me said, do you want one of these so you can try to identify them? Yes, I thought that was a good idea. Except as I approached, some of the specimens started to move and one in particular looked like the hulk version of this bee. His exoskeleton was old looking and mottled - one might say battle-scarred. His head was black and shiny like a helmet and as I looked on I could swear he was armoring up. I turned and ran out of there as fast as I could, falling into the pool which seemed to get people's attention. The urgency I felt at getting out of there was so strong, I couldn't even say to anyone else, get out NOW. I just ran.

I woke in a sweat.

Updated belly pic!

2007-12-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

Here I am! We took these photos at 38 weeks and 4 days.

Until now, my mother has been saying, "I carried you just the same way."

Now she admits, "I think you are bigger than me! I think he's going to be a big baby!"

Well, Mama, I'd be real appreciative of any acupressure, visualization or anything you can think of that will let this baby know he is needed on the outside.

I feel like he's ready and I'm ready, but I could be a little biased on the subject. So all of you out there: think birthing thoughts! Let's see if we can give him a loving nudge to come see us outside!

Panic Attack Update, or Better living through Chemisty

2007-11-25T06:48:00.000-08:00

This may seem like a hypocritical post after the last one (Is knowledge always a good thing?) regarding my cardio visit. Bear with me. I'm a modern American with many options for joy and irritation.

I went to a psychiatrist, Dr Rex Gentry, who specializes in pregnancy and post partum mood disorders. We spent an hour going over my history and talking about natural physiological phenomenon of pregnancy. For instance, pregnant women commonly develop a heightened sense of awareness in order to protect their unborn, then newborn baby. However, in some people, this sense gets turned to "11," which can present in intense crying, gripping panic and deep depression. Because of my history, he felt that I was at a fairly high risk (40%) of continued episodes of depression into post partum.

I feel he is right about this. It's been a concern of mine since before I even got pregnant and particularly because of my situation, it makes sense to me to be on medication. It's safe for me and the baby - in studies, the drug has not been found in a breastfed infant's blood. There seem to be some very long term negative effects but this isn't a med that I would take for more than about 6 months.

I feel relieved that I'll be able to be with my baby and enjoy him as much as possible. I don't feel like I'm supposed to be some automaton who is happy all the time and blissfully ignorant, dancing through the streets as if they are fields of tulips. But a little balance is good.

I cried last night when I got up from the couch because my hips hurt so much and I'm tired of it. It felt good to cry a little. That was fine. But the gripping panic attacks were too much. Not livable. And if things like that happened when my baby was in my arms, ... I don't even want to think about it. That starts going down the Yellow Brick Road of Catastrophe and Psychosis and I ain't into that trip. I really don't feel I need to get attacked by flying monkeys only to have some big green head tell me to click my heels and say, "there's no place like home." I'm good here, no reason to go anywhere else. Thanks, man. I like it where I am.

Cardio Update/Moral Dilemna - Is knowledge always a good thing?

2007-11-25T06:18:00.000-08:00

Went to the cardiologist on Friday. He said he thought, like me, that this could be normal for pregnancy. However, because the progression of symptoms matches the progression for real heart problems, we will do a stress echo to make sure.

On one hand, this is really cool. They will ultra-sound my heart while I walk on a treadmill at increasing speeds and inclines and check for normal patterns. I hope I get to see the ultrasound! And I like the idea of being thorough. I'm so grateful for full medical care and utilizing this great diagnostic technology to verify my safety.

On the other hand, I'm scared that I'll be forced into an episode. It's scary to feel my heart pounding so hard and not be able to bring it down just with my breath, like I'm used to doing. Then the dizziness and leg numbness. Inevitably, the dizziness makes me feel panicky. And the worst part - what if something is wrong? If they find something wrong, will that mean I can't birth in the birth center? Does it mean that for sure something bad will happen during the birth? If I do this, and something is wrong but not bad, will I be putting myself in danger? Would I be bringing a legal liability into the hands of my midwives?

Sometimes knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Birthing babies is such a common yet still mysterious physiological event and western medicine tends to err on the side of the known. It's easier to have a c-section than try a variety of other methods that might not work because the baby could die and we know (very well) how to perform a c-section without killing anyone. WE should - it's the most performed surgery in America. It's easier to birth in a hospital and have the mother on her back, feet in stirrups, constant fetal monitor because we can see best (despite she's pushing against gravity) and we can know if the baby's in distress. Of course, the baby's distressed! They are being pushed through a somewhat stretchy tube with a bunch of bones at the end and if they aren't in exactly the right position, it's much harder for everyone. Birth is a traumatic event, but so is climbing Everest or walking down the hallway of your new high school. You may have an idea of what will happen, but until you've done it, you haven't done it. And I'll bet your heart pounds a lot and maybe a little irregularly from excitement and exertion.

So, I guess my question is: Am I inviting a hospital birth by doing this stress echo and is that a good thing or not? Is it just a personal bias, a bad ju-ju that freaks me out? If it's best, can I safely put my feelings aside (guilt, trauma, anger) to make sure I'm safe? And what determines best? If I have a 10% chance of going into cardiac arrest during or post partum, is that enough to say I should be in a hospital? What is safe risk and what is just plain stupid?

Belly shot - 35 weeks

2007-11-11T14:17:00.001-08:00

I'm 35 weeks pregnant...

2007-11-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

... and my husband won't share his beer with me! I don't want a lot, just enough to fill my wee glass.

I made him give me some after threatening to post to all my pregnancy forums that he was neglecting my needs. After grudgingly pouring 2 oz into my tiny glass (note that it is not full), he happily offered the dog some beer. And gave her more than I got!

To be fair, watching her drink is a lot funnier than watching me drink. She snorts and snuffles and then lays down and sleeps with a smile on her face.

Blood tests normal...

2007-11-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

Everything came back like they like it. I decided to go see a cardiologist anyway, because I'm kinda conservative that way. I still have these weird dreams occasionally of expiring after the birth, ostensibly from a heart defect.

My honeyman says I should write tear jerker novels with all the catastrophies I can summon. I'd probably get on the Oprah Book Club!

Thanks to the internet...

2007-11-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

I think I'm just pregnant. That's it. It's being pregnant that causes these things.

I thought through the conversation yesterday and realized, she never said she thought I had CHF. She said she's missed things like that before, ie sent a patient to a cardio for one thing that proved to not be a big deal, but was concerned about said patient's early stage CHF.

All she was saying was she wanted to make sure I was okay. And I turned it into I might never be able to have another baby.

The way I came to this realization was, strangely enough, the Internet. I looked up symptoms of CHF and anemia and I don't have very many of them. Well, I might be anaemic but that's not really a big deal. My mom and sister were and they came through just fine.

Isn't it amazing how the brain works? I know I've always had a bit of the catastophist in me. It may be a Gothic Romantic that imagines my own death. Baby born, I gaze at him once, then quietly expire of exhaustion, like in one of those old westerns. Sweaty brow, eyes closed like I'm finally getting the best sleep in the world, the doctor's quiet head shake, like there is nothing to be done.

I laugh at it now, but you know when you see that scene in the movie, you are torn up. What will daddy do without the mama to raise his little baby? And they had such a fabulous love with much hardship before coming together and bringing this sweet child into the world... So many permutations of tragedy.

Do we have a human need to create tragedy in our lives? Is this a human condition or just my own mental illness? If it is just my own, am I too bored? Should I be more absorbed in creative activities or helping others so that I don't get bogged down in unnecessary drama? Somehow, this makes me think of soap operas. I don't watch soaps (we don't have regular tv) but I am reading a pile of trashy novels. Maybe that's bringing about this case of mental catastrophy. I guess that means it's time to pick up "Getting a Grip" by Francis Moore Lappe and see what she's got to say about Democracy in America. That ought to shake out the drama!

Oh, considering the news today, maybe not. Impeach Cheney? What good will it do?

Feel Scared today...

2007-11-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

I expected to be somewhat tired during the pregnancy and everyone says that's normal. But lately, my legs are numb when I wake up and anything faster than a slow shuffle makes my heart race, the leg numbness return and brings on dizzyness and shortness of breath. It gets scary really quick. Now when I go to the dog park every morning (since beastie needs to run) I go with a friend and I always have my cell phone with me.

Today talking with my nurse-midwife who did my early pre-natal care, she thinks it could be low iron. My vitals look good and she couldn't hear the heart murmur she heard before (which no one else has ever heard). This is good. However, if the blood work comes back negative, I get to go see a cardiologist.

I'm really trying to not freak out about this.

A cardiologist would be looking for late-term Congestive Heart Failure.

See why I'm trying?

I'm not winning. CHF is not curable though it is treatable. CHF means I can forget about my current plan to birth in the birth center and a home birth is not in my future. They would push for a C-section (which I really don't want.) In fact, I probably wouldn't be able to get pregnant again unless I was watched like a hawk by cardio and OB and everything. How very not fun. Multiples (which we want and run in our families) would be even more dangerous.

I couldn't help it - I started crying on the way home.

Of course, if this were true for me, I would buck up and deal and not do anything to endanger myself or my baby. But GAWD! It's just too frightening to imagine how I can go from healthy to High risk pregnancy in the time it takes to make a diagnosis.

So, we'll find out in a few days what the deal is, or at least what the next step is. Whatever it is, it is manageable. But I certainly have a hard time not getting worked up over it! Time for a warm glass of milk and some cuddle time with the beasties.

My fantasy for today... and a rant

2007-10-29T14:34:00.000-07:00

What I wouldn't do for a spa day. I could kill for a mani-pedi and full body wax. Why must pregnancy require so much hair to grow every where but where I want? I would have thought I'd be able to grow my head hair all long and sumptuous but, alas, no. I finally got sick of it and chopped it off into a faux-hawk. Feels much better.

Instead, my eyebrows and leg hair make me look positively neanderthal and let's not even talk about the other part. I totally get why doctor's want to shave it - you can't see a thing down there! I'd go for a trim and a bikini wax at least to save my thighs the embarrassment they are currently suffering.

Of course, some more massage would be good. I had to fire my regular massage therapist for a few reasons. First, I felt she really didn't have the technical expertise to call herself a "pregnancy Massage therapist". Second, she routinely brought up difficult topics or gossiped during our sessions. Please keep your anti-muslim comments to yourself and no, I don't care about the "cute guy at church saga" Frankly, I'm not interested in your sagas - this is my time. Third, she clearly didn't respect my choice for a natural birth process and would make repeated comments about where I will get me epidural and that I'll change my mind. Thanks for your confidence and support.

While I understand epidurals are the right thing for some women and are appropriate for certain births, I'd like to have the option of going without. Millions of women before me have done so, why is it so hard to imagine?

Welcome to Rane's Soapbox.

Unless it is medically necessary, meaning someone is in danger, I plan on having a baby the way I was made to do so. The creator or evolution or whatever it is that made us this way, didn't imagine epidurals or narcotics into it. Besides, I enjoy physical and emotional challenges. If I can snowboard a double black diamond and live to laugh about it, I think I'll be fine. I think I have good coping mechanisms in place and have learned some more in my birth class. I also have an amazing husband with whom I've grown so much closer to during this process. His instincts and gentleness will get us through this as much as my will and determination. I've been working on not being attached to much to the outcome. As a friend recently told me, "it's just a day. The real work is being a mother every day." She also said, "there's no harm in trying." when considering a VBAC, which came through successfully.

Thank you. That concludes the soapbox portion of our broadcast day.

Baby updates: I feel huge. I feel as if he grows with every day. He moves a lot. Most of the day, in fact. I now can see his limbs as they make wide, sweeping movements from one side to the other. I am constantly in a state of amazement and feel tired from all the growth.

Feel free to send cheesy fictional novels in the genre of chick lit, romance, historical fiction, or humor. I'm devouring books like crazy. At least 2-3 books a week!

The dog is laying close and farting audibly to communicate her displeasure at not having been taken to the dog park yet. Olfactory senses overwhelmed, I must open a window and make my escape. Off to Marymoor!

Honey, can you spray my butt?

2007-10-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

This Post Partum Recovery Kit seems like the right way to spell relief. The question is, do you want to know if it works?

Is my baby a burrito?

2007-10-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

How will I get this little bundle of joy around? I can't imagine even wanting to let him go for a few months! (Yes, you can point and laugh later.)

The Moby Wrap

I wrap this long piece of stretchy fabric around me and put the little bug in all snug and close. I can wrap it a few million ways, including the "Discreet Nursing" style and baby's weight (up to 35 lbs) is evenly distributed evenly along both shoulders and my back. Now it's time to choose the color - Am I Sienna, Chocolate or Red?

Swaddling Blankets

Why are these things so expensive? And why do they think I need a special "patented design" to fold a blanket? I tried the Swaddle Me on a friend's baby - not a fan. Plus you have to buy the next size up when your baby grows. That's just annoying! Much easier to just use a normal receiving blanket, like this or these.

And for those not yet in the know, the Carter's sizes are better for swaddling than Gerber.

Nursing Cover

In case the Moby isn't on at the time and I don't have the extra receiving blanket, this nifty Nursing Cover is attractive and cool. Also sold under the name of "Hooter Hider," "Modest Mommy" or "Bebe Au Lait" with equally nice fabrics and almost the same design, the Joia Mommy cover is fully reversible! It's so hard to choose, but I think I love the Hot Dot Brown with Teal Dot/Brown and Teal Sassy Stripe best!

Baby Registry?

2007-10-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time with this. What do I want and what do I really need? Plus I'm finicky when it comes to these things. I don't want things that scream "I'm a breeder! Love my cute baby!" I keep wondering, why can't I find baby things in fun, bright colors? It seems everything has to have cars and trains or bows and dolls and is relegated to the customary pale pink/blue/yellow/green. Boring! How about ROY G BIV? Remember the rainbow?

So, I'm attempting to compile a list here of things I'd really enjoy and can use because everything I like is on a different website. I'm totally set up on clothes until around 24 months, so if you are so kind to want to gift us, here are a few things you can do!

Diapers: We have decided to use a diaper service! Cloth diapers are healthier for baby and don't contribute to landfill to sit unchanged for 500 years. This service is a little less than buying disposable diapers and I don't have to launder them. Isn't that lovely?

Seattle Diaper

* (206) 634-BABY
* (800) 562-BABY

The nice ladies in the office will be happy to help you contribute to our account (ie, the Lederers). A month is about $67 - even helping us pay for a week will help tremendously!

And to cover up those cloth diapers:

http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=22&products_id=781

Cotton Babies offers a mix pack in any size so I can try a variety and see what I like. Handy, eh?

Diaper Bag: The Ju-Ju-Be Small is just perfect. I have a large one for when I need it but this is just the right size to grab and go. It's hard to decide between the gorgeous prints they offer and it isn't covered in a heavy plastic - it's just nice fabric that's Teflon coated so I can wipe off spills and look good doing it. Citrus Sorbet is where this hot mama's at!

http://www.littledudesanddivas.com/bsmlctrssrbt.html

For extra fun and ease, stroller clips:

http://www.littledudesanddivas.com/jjbstrlclp.html

And Super Grab and Go: This little wristlet holds a few diapers and wipes for super quick trips. And it matches the diaper bag! Freakin' sweet!

http://www.littledudesanddivas.com/jjbbqctrssrbt.html

Check back for more stuff later and look for postings tagged with "baby registry."

Thank you so much!

RnR

30 weeks now...

2007-10-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

Here's the belly as of 10/5/07. I love our little digicams (courtesy Bobbo and Donna - thanks!) because they have this cool feature where you flip the lens around to take self portraits - very fun! I just wish I had slightly longer arms.

Everybody asks "how are you feeling?" And for the most part, I'm feeling great. I also feel huge, exhausted, and generally prefer to be horizontal watching old episodes of Macgyver, A-Team or Monk. But I walk the dogs everyday, or almost everyday if it isn't a total downpour and that helps.

I really miss being able to be active - going on long hikes in the rain is a wonderful thing to do here. I love the smell of the woods when it rains and everything perks up so nicely. Plus under the tree canopy, it isn't raining as hard - you can just enjoy it. But I find my heart races at the slightest exertion and I get paranoid that I'll rupture my aorta and bleed out before I can even call 911. I read it somewhere and it terrifies me.

But after a little www research, I feel better. Aortic ruptures are not very common during pregnancy and mostly have to do with women who have one of a few syndromes for which I am not at risk. Ah, much better now. But honeyman says he still doesn't want me hiking around carrying med kits at events with terrain that is anything other than flat and larger than a few blocks. (I volunteer doing first aid with the Red Cross at local events - mostly street fairs or running events.)

It's funny the things that scare me - aortic ruptures, losing my man - especially losing my man. How would I raise my son without him? Where would I live? How could I adjust the dreams of the life I'm building with my husband to surviving and raising a son? I would - I know I would, but I don't want to. I really don't.

So, raise your glass to the naming of the Fear. Here's to the belief that calling it out shrinks it to bits - diaspora on the wind, diluted and scattered far and away. Good - let's call it a day.

She said "ooky" I say, "American Beauty"

2007-09-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Cedar took the photo for me. Not her usual subject matter. Check out her extensive travel shots and info on her recent trek to Lhasa. She's writing an armchair travel memoir about her trip and so far, from the sneak peaks I've had, it will be a fascinating and surprisingly in depth experience of living and traveling abroad.

www.cedarboughphotography.com

This turkey dies today...

2007-08-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

This turkey and 8 chickens have grown well enough to slaughter. We'll see if I get the chance to help.

I will post the photo later when I have better connectivity.

We are on Lopez now (got here yesterday). It is raining but very beautiful and I think I have the junk D_ brought back from LV. Stop sharing your junk!

The room we are staying in is an insulated built out section of a barn with very steep stairs up to a landing with no banister to keep us from becoming a pile of broken bones 20+ feet below. The closest toilet is the outhouse, down the stairs and 200 feet away, and the running water is close to the outhouse.

So being sick, I'm trying to keep drinking fluids to get this stuff out of me which means, of course, I have to pee like every 20 minutes. Which means negotiating a dark, unfamiliar and small room cramped with too much stuff, grabbing a blanket to wrap around me because it's freaking cold outside, finding my shoes, not falling off the landing, crawling down the stairs and out of the barn into the rain.

I gave up by 5am and made coffee.

But it is very beautiful here. Rustic and sweet.

Bigger every day!

2007-08-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ray took a few photos yesterday that came out really nice! This just gives somewhat of an idea of where my belly is - and I'm only 5 months! Oh my....
I receive an email once a week that says "You're (this many) weeks!" and has info about the baby and other things I might be noticing in my body. Here's what I got this week:

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long. His eyebrows and eyelids are fully developed. And you can certainly feel him move. He's oblivious to your schedule, though, so don't be surprised if he starts working out just when you're settling down for the night.

Ok, #1: On 7/25, he weighed 1 lb 10 oz. That's twice the size they are talking about. I'm seriously considering restricting my diet! Keep up the calcium and protein and pre-natals, but - I don't know. Eat less somehow? Pushing a 10 lb baby through my stuff sounds, well, it makes me a little nauseated and scared.

#2: He's active all the time. He goes really crazy when I'm watching fight scenes in movies - like Pirates of the Carribean or the Bourne Ultimatum. If you've seen the latter, you know the scene I mean - the long mano y mano with the asset sent to kill him? Wow! What an awesome scene!!
Wee Jack was punchin' and kickin' and rollin' around. I started laughing a little and the people next to me seemed uncomfortable.

That's it on numbers. Almost every week, I'm amazed to learn the ways in which he is developing and this is just on the inside. It's going to be so much more fun when he's outside!!

I'm back!!

2007-07-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

Well, in my last post I said "maybe I'll get pregnant this month."

Apparently, I already was! Of course I didn't find out until after a very fun, very drunken birthday party for One Fabulous Tai. I don't remember where we went, but I do remember curling up on the floor and knitting in the dark while sipping one of the tastiest tasty drinks I've ever had. Yum yum! Blue walls and morrocan lanterns - I wanna live here! But I'd put in more comfy chairs.

2 days later, I'm hung over still and that's just not right. Yoga didn't take it away, walking in the dog park didn't take it away - Tylenol didn't take it away and forget drinking. Yes, "hair of the dog," my last ditch effort couldn't work. I couldn't drink. Called my nurse midwife - she says "come in today" and off we were.

I'm now 19 weeks, and still pretty tired. I tried working for a bit, but it just didn't work out. I'm admittedly pretty self-indulgent with a wonderful, loving husband who indulges me quite a bit, too. And although he was telling me to quit for several weeks, I really wanted to try and stick it out. You know, contribute to our financial goals and stuff.

Well, another day to get my dollar, I guess. I just felt really tired and depressed. I couldn't get anything done around the house and my animals ( the wonderfully spoiled attention-hogs) were suffering. Suffering, I tell you!

They love me again now that I can walk the dog everyday and take cat naps with them and watch movies together on the couch. All is right in their world. It will be change enough to have a baby here. And I'm having fun lavish love towards them right now. Especially my dogus.

She is mighty cute. Mighty!!

Tasha with her 2 favorite things. Note the intensity, the confusion - what first, what do I do? Chase or chew - chew or chase?

With children, you're not allowed to admit favorites with my pets, there's no contest. Tasha came into my life just as I needed her. She fulfilled something in me - she is my first child, really. She has been such a good friend to me through so much. I owe it to her to give her all I can and teach her to love the baby as much as she loves me.

Sing along with me now: Precious and few are the moments we two can share.

I'm not Laura Bush

2007-04-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, I didn't post right after getting my hair cut because, well, it was bad. Very bad.

I mean, it was a *nice* haircut, but I'm not a *nice* girl. I don't know what horrified me more, that I looked like Laura Bush or just any random Republican soccer mom that could turn on you in the grocery store parking lot.

So, I bought black dye on the way home and gave myself hacked up Betty bangs when I got home. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I did find someone to save the wreck, though. A very talented, super cute, clever hairdresser names Ashley at Regis Salon in Redmond. Great service, great haircut, great tattoos. We were very similarly minded and I appreciate that because I don't often find people I can relate too here in Microsoftville.

Ashley saved the day and my marriage.

Of course, sometimes I can't figure out why I get so locked on something like this. Where do I go? The dogpark and out to dinner with an occasional friend. Who cares what I look like? No one but me. Are we tight on funds? Hell yes! So why am I spending my husband's hard earned money on haircuts that nobody cares about?

For me, it sets me apart from the dumpy people here. With the constant wet, cold weather, it's easy to let yourself go. Just not care how you look and get, well - dumpy. There are a lot of dumpy people here and I don't want to look like them, talk like them or otherwise.

So having a nice hairstyle that reflects my personality is more affordable than clothes and sets me apart enough that I feel I am retaining some small part of my soul in the land of the soulless.

And I like looking good for the honey.

pictures to come once my over-hormonal acne clears up some. Maybe I'll get pregnant this month!!

New hair do

2007-03-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

Due to high demand, I am publishing an image of my tiny ponytails. Look at that scalp, whiter than white, whiter than Coleen! I am getting it cut Monday - just a trim, thank you! My darling husband, who has known me since I was 14, has never seen my hair long. It's time.

I'll post a picture Monday after the new do. Hopefully, she won't make me look a soccer mom like the last one...

Wish me luck!

I want to know what idiot decided...

2007-03-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

This is the beginning of what will likely be a series of "I want to know what idiot decided..." wherein I examine daily life and think about how someone could have decided to do one thing or another.

Today's example: Ralph Lauren Suede Textured Paint

Yes, it looks soft and supple, just like flat paint but with texture. Yes, texture - which is perfect for holding onto dust, cobwebs and random debris that collects in large swaying fronds from my bedroom walls and ceiling - yes, ceiling. Some idiot decided to paint the entire house in suede textured paint, including the smooth ceilings.

So, who decided this? Someone who gets someone else to vacuum their walls.

Please, as if I don't have other things to do than worry my husband over my near obsessive behaviour to vacuum our walls, because I can't sleep another night knowing I'll wake up with tendrils of dusty cobwebs in my hair and face. Those don't wash out so easy.

And it's jsut gross.

Kaylin kisses!

2007-03-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

My beautiful god-daughter sends her kisses to all the little people. Next she'll be holding out her hand to be kissed. Enchante!

I feel a change

2007-03-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a downpour. Almost all day long, the rain just fell in buckets. But Hubbie just got a new fork for his bike, so guess what we did. . .

Yes, I chose to go for a ride in the pouring rain.

This is vastly different from my attitude anywhere I've lived before. I would only go out if the weather was just right, like the painter that can only paint in a "perfect environment."

What a way to avoid discovery! There is no perfect environment any more perfect than it is right now! Plus, if you wait for a good weather day, you'll wait until summer and there will be too much to do on those perfect days. This way, keep enjoying regardless!

2 days of Sun and I'm positively manic

2007-03-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

The sun came out for most of monday and tuesday this week - wow! Just phenomenal! The trees are in bloom, the grass is green, the ferns are lush - not that anemic brown they've been most of the winter. My new friend, E-, got me excited about making stuff again, which is very high on several of my lists: "Things I like Doing Instead of Watching TV," "Things I like Doing While Watching TV," and "Stuff that Makes Me Happy."

So off we went to the Bellevue Botanical Garden for a class in making flowers out of christmas tree lights. The process was easy once you picked it up, but there is a very specific way to do it and they have it down to a science. I'm a big picture-then-detail person, and was having a hard time grasping why precisely you had to do this or that thing. Everytime the slightly micro-managing "guide" would come correct my method, E- would giggle, which would make me laugh, blowing the scowl away and eventually the micro-manager to boot! Then, I got it and everything was fine. Our flowers were the most natural, beautiful flowers there!

The garden is so beautiful. If you are ever in the Seattle area, and like pretty things and beautiful places, this is a Must-Do! The garden is very well laid out and has a wonderful assortment of native and exotic plants.

On this day, the sun was out, and everything was shimmering like some great big tranny diva just showed up and dumped her entire glitter make up kit on everything, but in a classy way. The air even smelled sweet. I was running late and didn't want to make a bad impression on my new friend, so I just walked kinda fast and took really deep breaths instead of running. Poor E- made a wrong turn on the highway and by the time she could correct it, was way up by my house. I wish I'd known... She could've picked me up and we could have strolled in late together!

But I haven't even told you the best part of the day! Better than the massage I got after making flowers in a beautiful garden, better than calming the most nervous dog in the universe, better than hearing from a friend I hadn't talked to in months - The Very Best Part of My Day was when E- said we should start a creativity salon! So, stay tuned for the next post where in I will put forth at least 10 ideas for meeting themes. I've got 5 so far, so the last 5 may get a bit dodgy, but it's all for the fun, right?

Right!!

it's been a long winter...

2007-03-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

And they say it's a short one this year, but dang it feels long. Everyone I meet says it's hard to meet people here. People are friendly and I believe their polite interactions are genuine. They just aren't very embracing. I even meet people who say, "I know exactly what you mean!" We exchange numbers and nothing comes of it.

If I didn't work, I could...

2006-12-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

I used to say, Oh I wish I didn't have to work. I would always find something to do!

- Read more
- study the things I want to learn
- do art
- have fun creating a lovely and comfortable home

But I'm not working and money is tight and hubby is trying to not pressure me because of the times I supported him on my tiny Starbucks income when he was inbetween jobs...

So now I...

- avoid drinking
- think about how I don't have any money or connects for drugs
- feel guilty about wanting to do drugs
- talk about my petty issues like they're so important
- feel small and useless and very uncreative

I'm not doing drugs, and it's strange to me to feel a return to the want. If it's possible, I feel the want actually separated from really wanting. I just think I'd like to be high to pass the time, but remembering how utterly destroyed I feel afterwards makes it quite unappealing. There are certain things I would do, but they are too hard to get and nothing seems worth the risk anymore.

Is it risky to write and publish this? Not as risky as idiots who post themselves smoking crack on youtube. Yes, smoking crack. They even put "crack" as a tag so you can search and find them.

wow. the magic of the interweb!

Flat Grey

2006-12-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

I wonder what the percentage of blog posts begin with "been a long time since I last posted..."

Could my probability scale be skewed towards "alot" [sic] because I don't frequently post?

Probably.

Since September I have experienced a few weeks of total bliss and now am counterbalancing with holiday cheerlessness. I just can't seem to get me head out of the rainclouds. It so dreary waking up to the same grey skies. At least in SF, the clouds were interesting. Grey days could still be lovely if you looked up to see many shades of grey swirling and contrasting against each other. But here it's just flat grey.

First and Final Cut

2006-09-24T01:17:00.000-07:00

Day #2.

We were told to arrive between 5 and 6 am even though we wouldn't be allowed to our ticketed seats until 8:00am. This time the line was even farther down the block. Rumors were going around that 10,000 people were there by 6:30 am. Some people we talked said the instruction sheets they were given said to show up between 4 and 5 am.

Hmm, interesting. Sounds like a standard mob psychology tastic to me. Get people there early, testing to see who wants it and how much. Make them stand around and get hyped up by seeing how many others there are to compete against, stir gently with a pinch of self-permeating rumors and voila! You have full on hype and backstabbing competition. I asked around and I'm sad to report my theory was substantiated by several members of Crowd Management Services, the outside vendor hired to wrangle us "idolizers." Plus we were a captive audience for cheap plastic handouts emblazoned with tv series titles and Krispy Kreme donuts.

One thing I gotta say for Mob Psychology, it can be very entertaining. I took a little walk up to the front of the line where William Hung was being interviewed for the news. Here's the one picture I got from the day because I forgot my camera and after this shot, my phone got fried from the downpour. Savor this once I can upload from my now-non-fried camera.

Oh, did I mention it rained? yes, it bloody rained. Rained cats, dogs, and some very soggy sheep, I might add. We were among the few hundred lucky souls to be caught under a large canopy for most of the time, but the poor saps at the front of the line were drenched to their bones. This was really great once they decided to open the doors early to a very heavily air conditioned arena. What is it about Seattle and their distinct lack of decent hot air hand dryers? Lots of public sinks, lots of piss poor hand dryers. Some of these singers could have dried their hair and some portion of their clothes to avoid getting sick and losing their voices, but no. A very wet city doesn't think we deserve to by dry. Just be wet and deal with it.

Moving on from my rant, we were all schooled into a rousing rendition of one of the worst rock songs of all time, none other than Jefferson Starship's anti-climactic comeback song, "We Built This City." This was then followed with lots of loud cheering along with crane shots of the crowd spinning their wet umbrellas while singing "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head," a song older than most of the contestants. But good aunties and moms sang along instead of their competing companions in an effort to save one more voice to be the future American Idol.

Then more cheers, crane shots and brilliant chants, like "It's okay, Simon, we like the rain."

Yeah, wow. I didn't see your $2K Armani out there getting drenched. But dutiful aunties, etc. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Poor Tonya was getting really tired by now. She still couldn't decide what to sing. They set up 11 tables down the center of the floor with little curtains between each table. Whole seating sections were brought down to the floor and lined up in 2 lines. Then the first 2 from each line became a group of 4 that was shuttled over to stand in line in front of a table where 2 - 3 judges were sitting. The judge would hear each person individually then bring everyone as a group and most people got sent out the "non-winners" exit where their special wristband was cut. The few who were going on the next round were given a yellow card that they then proceeded to wave about like a quarterback in the end zone while onlookers cheered.

It was really sweet to see how they'd react. One guy did several back handsprings and a backflip. I hope he was caught on tape. Another woman was forced to sing 3 or 4 songs while more and more judges came over to listen. She got a card.

Plus there were so many other characters - Black Uncle Sam, WonderWoman of Target, the girl with the long long braids.

Oh, yes, the part you are all waiting for. I was so totally fine - relaxed, calm, joking around with tired contestant niece and being dutiful and really loving it! Then our seating section was called. She stood up to go, big hug and kiss and off to her destiny whatever that may be. I couldn't tear my eyes off of her and even through my tears I watched her line up on the main floor, get sectioned with her group of 4 and stand, waiting to be judged. Everywhere that girl went she made friends. Everywhere! In line outside, while we were walking around listening to everyone practice, even right there on the main floor.

It came to be her turn and the judge nodded and smiled while she sang out her sweet little country song. He seemed attentive and kind while he called them all up together, thanked them and they all walked away.

That was it.

Outside, at the "non-winners" exit, girls were crying, seething, yelling "Prince is my cousin! my whole family got vocals!" or thinking they are no good because they didn't get picked for American Idol.

Well, I'll tell you, after going through all that, this sweet young girl said, "well, so I wasn't what they were looking for. Oh well."

She's 18 years old and she knows who she is. So, she may not be America's Idol, but she sure is mine.

She's got Try.

2006-09-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

My niece is in town to audition for American Idol. So, of course, I'm thrilled. Tonya is a really cool kid with a great attitude about life. She's just here to have fun and enjoy the experience. I still keep thinking about her *winning!* but I'm trying to just be cool and let her set the stage. I don't want to freak her out or make her feel uncomfortable or unneccessarily excited. But I still offered to camp out with her if that's what she wanted to do.

Lucky for me, she didn't. And the 4am wakeup wasn't so bad either.

The Set-up

First things first, Big Long Line #1: Registration. No lining up will occur before 6am. yeah right. We arrived at the Key Arena in Seattle Center at around 5:30am and were very lucky to find a FREE parking spot within a block. We had brought enough food to feed the Italian Army, if need be, but it didn't fit in her backpack so we'd have to hoof it if we were hungry. When we got there, about 2000 people were already there despite the websites repeated admonitions to any camping or lining up prior to 6 am. Turns out we waited almost exactly as long or less than they did, because the 1am arrivers weren't processed and able to leave until 8:15 am. We got there at 5:30 am and were done at 10 am or so.

Apparently, the order in which you arrive has nothing to do with the order in which you audition. We received tickets to be inside the Key Arena and our assigned seating area will be called randomly for audition. Tonya got a blue band, while I, her only supporter in physical presence, got an orange band. Apparently, we are not to take them off until after she auditions. They even said to "cover it in plastic when you shower." Hmm. Okay. I can't help but wonder how many girls took this line very seriously and just don't shower. Ew.

Tonya's so chill and fun, she makes friends with everyone around her. Here she is with Brittany, 17, from Portland. This is about 5 minutes after they met and they are already rockin' out to Tonya's iPod!

Although we didn't get get photos, I'd love to say hi to our early bird line buddies: Sri and her husband from Berkeley, and Sarah and her friend from Chelain. Hi! Y'all were really nice to hang out with - especially at 5:30 am.

Next step: Audition, we hope. Well, actually, line up. We are to report to Key Arena on Tuesday between 5 and 6 am. We will be let in to the Arena at around 8am, I think. And that is where things get vague. We don't know if everyone will be heard or not. Some say yes, others say no. There are a lot of things that fly around in line and so many different kinds of people are here to try out. It's all very interesing so far.

Rule of Thumb: Comfortable footwear!

I'll let you know how things go!

A more elegant life

2006-09-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Sean and I became friends at a very interesting time. He had been out of work for 6 months or so and managing barely to stay in his Palo Alto apartment. I lived down the street after - well, going through a big change. Let's just say, I had to leave town under a black cloud. So, we couldn't possibly be at our best as humans.

But difficult times have a way of bringing the best out of folks. I say that Sean struggled, but only because I imagined it must be difficult to be out of work for so long. I think it ended up being 11 months or so. But, he never broke a sweat and we spent our copious non-employment-full time walking my dog and drinking coffee. I still remember our lovely Turkish coffee maker who would see me coming and make it just like I liked it - extra cardamom! Now that's community! One day we had a discussion about "arriving to a more elegant life" which involved cafe au lait bowls.

Not long after, it could have been my birthday, or it could have just been "elegant life" day, Sean brought me 2 beautiful white cafe au lait bowls, the perfect size and weight for large hands or small.

I love that he remembered my small comment in a grandiose conversation sandwiched between yoga and French philosophy, I'm sure. I love that he wanted to give me elegance, to remember to live in elegance at every turn. I love that he felt I needed and would cherish these as a testament to our friendship and to living a more elegant life.

So, without further ado, I give you:

Cafe au lait

Cafe au lait with Dog

See two little green spots floating in the black?

And Cafe au lait with Blog

The little things

2006-09-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

I'm most amazed by very small things. Very small intricate trinkets are absolutely dazzling and I wish a had a huge display case with a kujillion tiny compartments and some sort of Rube Goldberg set up with magnifying glasses and a variety of lights to view each item at optimal settings. I'd like the kind of case you could get lost in; one that visitors, especially small children, might be scared of (if they're dull) or interested in (if they are the kind of child I am). Yes, that's what I'd like.

I'd like to have a collection of my name written on grains of rice by different artists I find at different touristy places. Each one would be set like a gemstone on a little silver stand with a tag saying the name of the artist, the location and the date. Maybe I could even include a bit of our conversation.

"Ok, miss. I do for you. What your name?"

"What do you think my name is?"

"uh, wh-?"

"What do I look like? I'm not sure what my name is. Maybe you could give me a name? What really fits me?"

I wonder how many rice grains would say "annoying bitch" in chinese.

This all started for a reason. I was washing dishes, sweeping, all those housewifey things and fixating on some small things. But by the time I'm ready to write, all that's left of that thought is "I'm most amazed by small things."

Small things that amaze me:

- How much pain can be caused by a tiny insect.
- Even small diamonds can have brilliant fire.
- A decimal point can change your life.
- A nuzzle from a loved one when you're doing dishes, even if you don't let it show.
Microchip Art
- cell phones that fit in my wallet
- voicemails from friends who live faraway (not a hint!)
- little mineral sparkles in water, flecks of mica in rock
- flashcards - for learning or for storing
- the hyoid bone - because it floats unattached to any other bone and because it's name is very lovely to say.
- my mom's dog, Sophie
- several small marbles rolling in my hand
- how finches pick around the millet to get the sunflower seeds, so few and far between
- LEDs
- baby goats

and, the thing that started this whole thing...

*trumpets blurt*

The first and immediate bite of any sandwich I've just made, especially grilled cheese and pbj.

I absolutely can not make a sandwich without taking a bite immediately. Even if it's my lunch that I have to eat in 6 hours, with 6 hours to wait again until the end of the shift. I can almost never even make it to lunch, because I keep thinking of the sandwich sitting like a perfect little friend, waiting for me. I think, how lonely is my little friend, hanging out in a bag in the dark. It doesn't have a book or even a radio to pass the time; not even a rosary should it find religion. Nothing but the thought that I'll be there later, to eat it and fulfill its wondrous destiny.

And I can't wait. I can't, I can't, I can't.

Ooh, I want a PBJ now.

Labor Day Hike with Ray and Heather

2006-09-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

We drove about an hour south and east to Snoqualmie Pass and took the East Summit exit to Alpental Road. Just a few minutes got us here:

Really lovely place! Very alpine look - reminded me of Switzerland while Ray was thrilled to see rocks and trees and to jump around the little mountain goat he is.

Ray and Heather show you the good stuff!

Mountain Goat, Banff, Canada

Mountain Goat, Alpental, Washington

must be something in the water...

2006-09-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

The underwire in my bra squeaks when I walk. Or even when I sit at my desk and just hold my breasts up. Gotta take the pressure off somehow!

So much to learn, so few parties to blab my mouth off at...

2006-09-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

I found an extremely cool website today!

Look for all your favorite bugs!

I was browsing around, convinced the body aches and chills I feel are associated with the little fucker I found on my bathroom counter. See below...

As you can see, he's pretty small. I'm assuming, of course, that he's male, because (as I have learned today from insectimages.org)the males are typically smaller in most tick varieties. I have yet to identify this little fucker. Note his black hard body and very long front legs, which are easily several times longer than his very stubby other six legs. The definite 8 legs tells me he's a class: Arachnida, but beyond that, I can't find any images on the web that match this little guy. Should you run into something, let me know. I'd sure like to know I'm safe from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever or Tick-borne paralysis!

A probability factor of...

2006-09-01T04:19:00.000-07:00

While musing on art, 2 separate cars from 2 separate houses on my street drove away. It's 4am! and my street has about 6 houses on it! What are they thinking?

I'm up because I can't sleep. What's their excuse?

What is art?

2006-09-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

I've been awake for about 2 hours now, thinking more on my collage. I played some more with some of the images in there. I feel like I want to deconstruct each small piece until it's barely recognizable from the original. Simplify so much it becomes something else entirely. What could I discover about reconstructing a relatively common shape. The star in torn paper or fabric. The outline, the interior. How do I mark the line to create interior vs exterior - with pen, stitching, crayon? I'm concerned about this because I wonder: What story can a line tell? Will it show a tentative nature or unabashed pretense? What makes a star into art? Is that the key that will unlock my art?

I woke up mad as hell at 1:43am.

2006-09-01T03:59:00.000-07:00

I was being chased by a moose around a fortress, skirting the perimeter and ducking behind stanchions when I could. Now, I have a healthy respect for large, strong, tempermental wild animals. Meaning, a surprise viewing while walking in a forest is a gift.

Being stalked by one is an entirely different experience.

And he was stalking me. He would even hide when I'd look back. Then I spotted an opening and ducked down a hole, which luckily meant falling onto something soft.

I lay still, pretending to be invisible when a man [who seemed to be a strange amalgamation of an ex-boss and several genius techie friends, but with a truly mean sense of humor] showed up and laid cards over my body. I assumed there was something on the cards to attract the moose, because that's what happened. The moose pushed around the cards on my body gently while I grew angrier at this fool for scaring me so badly. There was no where to go; no way to get out with out this moose trying to get some action, and nothing to hit the jerkwad with for starting it all.

And then I woke up.... mad as hell, sleeping in the vary same position as I had been in the dream, but in my own bed.

For Camilla!

2006-08-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

Completed a collage mock up today. As you can see, I seem to have a thing for bunnies, beavers, sparrows, stars and hot dogs. This is a mock up for a mail correspondence with my friend, Camilla. Hi Camilla!

We'll see what happens when I do some drawings but I don't draw so well (ahem, confidently) from my head, so I like reference material. No, it's not copying!

Anyway, have a loquacious day!

Good morning... still!

2006-08-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

11:35am still means morning. It's a gray day, and I'm not morose, nor rankled with ennui... altogether this seems a good thing. I made it to the dog park and back without a headache or even squinting. Usually, the diffuse light of gray days hurts my eyes, causing nasty headaches that start like a vice gripping down, then tightening until I swear my skull is breaking and my brainmeats scream like a lobster in hot water. But that doesn't seem to happen here.

Hmm. Cool.

Welcome to the musings and rants of your beloved Rane!

2006-08-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm now writing from Kirkland, WA. See me on Google Earth! We are the other Double RL (not the gorgeous, ahem *controversial* working cattle ranch of Ralph Lauren. I bet you wondered where they photographed all those "ranch house style" leather chairs and fancy crackle paint armoire...)

I'm happy to report I'm settling well. There's a lovely little coffee kiosk in the grocery store by our house. The ladies gather and kvetch. I could easily while away my day drinking coffee and meeting and listen to gossip about people I don't know. A good place for my beautiful cafe au lait bowls that I've missed so much [thanks Sean!]

I did meet my local chapter of Choice Action Team, a pro-choice group, which meets monthly close by. I'm excited to hear what's going on here in Wash state and share what I can about legislation in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, since we worked so closely with groups in those states to protect choice as an option. Apparently, Oregon anti-choice is gaining strength so we've got to help out where we can.

I've already found the Ikea (I dragged Ray there the day after I arrived!), Trader Joe's (for those of you who don't know, you *are* missing out) and a local fun place Fred Meyer. It was crazy: I entered a furniture store, found the lamps, walked around to clothes, garden, electronics and then a full grocery store! And nice stuff at good prices!

Speaking of housewares,... well, I was, wasn't I? Anyway, I can see my house a little more now since I've moved all the boxes around. Note, I didn't say "out," but I have unpacked precisely 34 boxes and had a visit from a feng shui consultant. Our living room is really lovely and the theatre room (yes! theatre room!) will be really nice once we get our couch and a big fuzzy rug!

Tasha and Spanky (TCFKAT - the cat formerly known as Tasha) dig the fenced backyard even though the grass is totally dead. I guess it's been a super dry summer, which is fine for me. Makes for a pleasant transition.

I'm enjoying my "house-wifely" stature. I usually spend most of my morning at the coffee clatch, the amazing 40-acre dogpark, then back home for breakfast and more coffee. Then I unpack ... for ... hours ... and ... hours. Then I wash my dirty, newsprint-smudged self and pass out. It's fun! You should try it!

What surprises me is my near constant focus. There is stillness in my constant motion. I flit here and there, open this box, place everything where it goes, box outside, paper flattened in a neat pile. I don't even feel like I'm doing much. Then I turn around and that whole corner that was towering boxes is devoid of even dust bunnies! Who knew I could be so effective? And somehow I'm still finding time to waste on craigslist free listings, shop, surf for the best local radio, attend free concerts in the park, and movies under the stars.

I think I like it here. I think I like me here.

But, always the skeptic, we'll see what happens when it's gray for 3 weeks straight. 2 gray days in Colorado had me in a mood. It could be bad. I could get used to it. We'll see...

Keep reading! I promise to post on a freshly gray day so you can know precisely.

Bye now! I'll post pictures when things get a little tidier.